Navigating your Collaborative Divorce

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You have decided to embark on a Collaborative Divorce. You would like to make the most of it.  Here are some tips for how to successfully navigate the process

           Establish goals for your Collaborative Divorce.

Think about your goals for the Collaborative Divorce process.  Consider the big picture as well as particular goals you might have.

    Permit each person to speak without interruption.

Basic civility will go a long way to further fruitful negotiations.  The Collaborative Divorce attorneys will make sure that each of you has an opportunity to be heard.

3  Listen respectfully with an open mind.

Your anger and frustration may make it hard for you to really hear what your spouse is saying.  Take the time to listen and you may be surprised to hear helpful ideas.

4  State facts, not accusations.  Ask for what you want and need.  State your   reasons.

Feel free to ask for what you need without accusing your spouse of not giving it to you.  Explain your needs as clearly as you can. 

5  Focus on the future, not the past.

You and your spouse disagree. That is why you are getting divorced.  Move on.

6  Speak only for yourself, not for the other person.

One of the advantages of Collaborative Divorce is that you will do most of your negotiations in 4-way meetings with your spouse and your two attorneys.  You do not have to speak for your spouse.  He or she is in the room and keep speak for himself or herself.

7  Consider one issue in your Collaborative Divorce at a time.

There are many things to be decided in divorce.  The multitude of issues can seem overwhelming. Take them one at a time.  Your Collaborative Divorce attorneys will make certain that you do not overlook important questions.  Take notes to ease any concerns about missing issues of importance. Focus on the matter at hand.

8  Agree to think about all possible solutions to resolve each issue.

It is tempting to come to a 4-way meeting with your own ideas about how many divorce issues should be settled.  Keep an open mind.  Brainstorm and leave all ideas on the table for consideration. Do not reject ideas without thinking them through.

9  Treat all decisions as temporary until all issues are resolved.

You are not bound by any decisions made in your negotiations until all of the issues have been handled.  For example, you might want to reconsider the division of assets in light of decisions about spousal support. All of these issues will together make up your divorce agreement.  Feel comfortable making tentative agreements that can be re-evaluated as negotiations proceed.

How Do I Begin My Collaborative Divorce?

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You have read the literature and thought about your options. You have considered your desire to maintain an amicable relationship with your spouse after your divorce. You want to protect your children from the detrimental effects of an adversarial divorce. You prefer not to waste your valuable assets fighting about how to divide them. You have decided that you would like to use Collaborative Divorce. How do you proceed?

1. Talk to your spouse about Collaborative Divorce.

Collaborative Divorce only works if both parties agree to use it and are willing to participate in the process. Discuss your reasons for choosing Collaborative Divorce and explain them to your spouse. It is likely that your spouse will agree with your goal of maintaining your dignity, preserving your assets and protecting your children.

2. Find a Collaborative Divorce attorney.

Interview your attorney to be sure that he or she is truly a practitioner of the Collaborative Divorce model. Some litigation attorneys will tell you that they practice cooperatively or work collaboratively. That is not the same thing as a true Collaborative Divorce. Ask your prospective attorney if he or she is willing to sign the Collaborative Divorce agreement that (i) prohibits the filing of any motions in court during the divorce process (other than the summons and complaint to initiate the action), and (ii) requires the parties to hire new attorneys if the Collaborative Divorce process terminates. Only attorneys agreeing to sign such an agreement are truly committed to the Collaborative Divorce model. For an interesting discussion about why you should not hire a “gorilla” as your divorce lawyer, click here: http://www.westchesterfamilylaw.com/blog/2014/05/gorillas-dont-make-good-lawyers.shtmlGo

3. Find a Collaborative Divorce Attorney for your spouse.

Ask your Collaborative Divorce attorney for a list of attorneys he or she has worked with successfully. While certainly not mandatory, it is helpful for the two Collaborative Divorce attorneys to have a good working relationship.

4. Think about how best to use the Collaborative Divorce process.

Collaborative Divorce attorneys will often incorporate other Collaborative Divorce professionals into the process. You may find it beneficial to work with a divorce coach, who are mental health professional. A Collaborative Divorce Coach will help you and your spouse overcome emotional obstacles to reaching your goal of an amicable divorce. A Financial Specialist, who is trained in divorce financial management, can help you and your spouse to organize and understand your assets, liabilities and living expenses. When there are minor children of the marriage, a Child Specialist may be appropriate. A Child Specialist

5. Get Organized.

You can facilitate the Collaborative Divorce process by being organized. Start collecting your most recent statements for bank accounts, brokerage accounts, mortgages and other debts. Read my article on Financial Information to Collect in Preparing for Divorce. http://vickivolper.com/financial-information-to-collect-in-preparing-for-divorce/

6. Think about your goals for your divorce.

Your Collaborative Divorce attorney will ask you about your goals for the process. While you might have some concrete desires, like keeping your house or staying in your current school district for your children, think about your larger goals. Take some time. Make some notes. Referring back to your goals will help you through the challenges of the divorce process.

Financial Information to Collect in Preparing for Divorce

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Choosing a non-adversarial divorce method like Collaborative Divorce or Divorce Mediation is a good idea for many reasons.  One reason is that it will save you time and money. You can further keep costs down by being organized and gathering the financial information you will need to collect in the divorce process.  Don’t worry if you are not able to collect all of the information right away.  Your collaborative attorney or mediator will guide you through the process.

Documents you will need for your divorce:

         TAX RETURNS filed within last 3 years

Include IRS Forms W-2, 1099 and K-1 for last 3 years

.   PAY STUBS for your most recent pay period, if typical

Make a note of your pay period is.  Is it every other week? Twice per month?

        BANK STATEMENTS – most recent for each account

a.       Also note any cash located elsewhere

b.      Note who owns each account.  Is the account joint or in the name of one spouse or the other?

        BROKERAGE STATEMENTS for most recent period

a.       What is the current value

b.      Note who owns the account. Is it joint or in the name of one spouse or the other?

        CREDIT CARD STATEMENTS for most recent period if there is a balance not paid in full monthly.

a.       If you pay the full balance each month the current balance is not important.

b.      Who is the named borrower on the card? Is the other spouse an authorized user?

        STATEMENTS FROM PENSION, PROFIT SHARING, RETIREMENT PLANS, 401Ks

a.       Benefits statement describing plan

b.      Most recent statement of amount vested

         DEEDS TO ALL REAL ESTATE OWNED

a.       Note who owns the property

b.      Do you have a recent appraisal?

        MORTGAGE STATEMENTS including home equity loans or other secondary mortgages

a.       How much is owed?

b.      What is the monthly payment of principal and interest?

c.       Does the bank escrow for real estate taxes? For homeowner’s insurance? What portion of each monthly payment is for each of these?

d.      Who is the borrower? One spouse or both?

         INSURANCE-Health

a.       What insurance company provides the insurance?

b.      Who is covered by the plan?

c.       What is the monthly premium?

d.      What is the annual deductible?

e.      Do you also have an HSA account? How much do you contribute to it each year?

        INSURANCE-Life

a.       What company provides the insurance?

b.      Is it term life or whole life insurance?

                                                              i.      If whole life, what is the cash value of the policy?

c.       Who is the insured?

d.      Who is the beneficiary?

e.      What is the death benefit?

f.        What is the annual premium?

        BUSINESS INTERESTS OWNED BY EITHER SPOUSE

a.       Most recent financial statements (balance sheet; profit and loss)

b.      Is the business a corporation? Partnership? Sole proprietorship?

c.       Is the business owned with a person other than one of the spouses?

d.      Is there a buy-sell agreement or other restriction on transfer?

Vicki Volper Chosen for the Winners Circle

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Attorney Vicki Volper is honored to have been profiled in the Fairfield County Business Journal’s Winners Circle. Here is a link to the article.

http://westfaironline.com/60564/the-divorce-minus-the-acrimony/

collaborative divorce

Collaborative Divorce

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divorce mediation

Divorce Mediation

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Choosing Between Mediation and Collaborative Divorce

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By choosing either mediation or collaborative divorce, a couple can avoid the adversarial posture taken in most divorces that are handled in the traditional way. While conflict cannot be avoided in divorce, the mediation and collaborative divorce processes can make conflicts constructive, rather than destructive. The parties can take ownership of the decisions that need to be made regarding financial and parenting issues and maintain control of the divorce process. The outcome is designed to maintain the relationship necessary to productively co-parent children after divorce while allowing each of the parents to move forward independently. In addition, both mediation and collaborative divorce are generally more cost effective than an adversarial divorce.

In mediation, a couple works with a neutral third party mediator, or sometimes, a team of two neutral third party mediators, to make the decisions that need to be made in connection with their divorce. The couple meets with the mediator over a period of weeks or months to gather facts, discuss goals, brainstorm options and choose solutions. While the mediator guides the discussions, the couple controls the ultimate decision making. A mediator generally will only offer possible solutions to the couple’s issues if the parties themselves are stumped. Some mediators, especially attorney mediators, will provide information about how a judge might decide an issue, but the parties are generally free to ignore this information and choose an alternative solution. The exception is where the solution the parties choose is so far from the norm that the mediator believes a judge will not accept the proposed agreement. It would be a disservice to the clients to allow them to go to court with an agreement that they cannot adequately justify to a judge. To do so would be to waste the client’s time and money.

Collaborative divorce is based upon the same general principles as mediation in that it is solution oriented and non-adversarial. As in mediation, the couple maintains control of the path the divorce will take and decisions are made outside of the court system. The main difference between mediation and collaborative divorce is that in collaborative divorce, the parties are represented by attorneys. Some people do not feel comfortable mediating for a variety of reasons. Perhaps they are less informed about financial issues that their spouse. Perhaps they feel intimidated by their spouse and are not comfortable advocating for themselves.  They prefer to have their attorney by their side as they navigate the divorce process.  Collaborative divorce also offers the option of divorce coaches, who are mental health professionals for emotional support, a financial specialist, who is trained in divorce financial management, and, when there are children of the marriage, a child specialist.

There is no right answer for everyone. It is a personal decision. Fortunately, there are two viable alternatives to an adversarial divorce. Collaborative divorce for those who need to be represented by an attorney, and mediation for those who do not.

Legal Coaching

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