Marital and Divorce Mediation

Marital and Divorce Mediation

Marital Mediation is an option for couples that may be considering divorce mediation. Sometimes either one or both of the parties considering divorce mediation would prefer to preserve the marriage. Marital mediation is different from divorce mediation and couples counseling, and can be a useful tool for couples who wish to avoid divorce.

What is marital mediation?

Marital mediation is a process similar to divorce mediation in that a neutral third party mediator helps the couple make decisions together. Unlike divorce mediation, however, the goal is to preserve the marriage, rather than to end it. The mediator helps the couple acknowledge their desire to maintain their marriage and works to lessen the conflicts endangering the marriage and hopefully avoid divorce.

Who is a candidate for marital mediation?

Any couple seeking improved communication can benefit from marital mediation. Generally couples with discreet issues creating conflict, such as varying styles of handling finances or childrearing can use marital mediation most effectively.
How does marital mediation compare with couples counseling? Unlike couples counseling, marital mediation is mostly about making behavioral changes to improve the marriage, rather than creating internal changes in the parties through improved self awareness. While there is often some overlap between the two processes, marital mediation is usually more forward looking than couples counseling.

How does marital mediation work?

Marital mediation begins by having the parties identify the issues that are causing problems between them. Sometimes the parties are clear about the issues involved, and other times there is a general dissatisfaction that needs to be discussed to discern the problems involved.

Once the issues have been identified, each party is asked to express what he or she wants to accomplish through marital mediation.

  • Discussions between the parties and the mediator can result in an increased openness to hearing each other’s opinions, even when they disagree with them.
  • Parties’ communication skills can improve as they develop the tools needed to negotiate with each other in the future.What is the result of marital mediation?

Oftentimes parties will come away with a written agreement setting forth behavioral changes each party will make to improve their relationship. Sometimes the agreement provides for consequences for failure to comply with the agreement. In other cases, the parties do not actually put their agreements on paper, but come away with a mutual understanding that will hopefully help them avoid divorce mediation in the future. The process of marital mediation, which creates improved communication, is sometimes more important than the resulting agreement

Interests vs. Positions

There is an anecdotal story about the two children who each wanted the one orange left in the kitchen. 

Their mother did not know what to do.  Did one child deserve the orange more than the other? Should she cut the orange in two?

Upon further questioning, the mother learned that one child wanted the pulp of the orange for juice. The other child wanted the rind of the orange for a science project. The solution to the problem was simple.

Each child took the position that they wanted an orange. Each child’s true interest in the orange was different.

One child’s interest was in the pulp. The other child’s interest was in the rind.

The processes of Collaborative Divorce and Divorce Mediation seek to resolve a couple’s conflicts by helping them identify their true interests, as opposed to their positions, in negotiations.

For example, a mother of young children who is going through a divorce might be adamant about remaining in the marital home.  The husband would like to sell the home because it is their only significant asset. This appears to be an intractable problem.  He insists on selling the home.  She insists on keeping the home. What can they do?

As your collaborative divorce attorney, or as your mediator, I will encourage you to get in touch with and articulate your interests.  Only after we identify your underlying goals for your divorce can we begin to negotiate in a manner that will meet your goals.

In the above situation, it would be important to understand the parties’ interests. 

Why does the wife want to keep the home?  Is it for continuity for her children? Is it for the value of the investment? Is it because she has spent a lot of time improving the home?

Why does the husband want to sell the home? Does he need cash for a new investment? Does he need to pay off debts? Does he fear being excluded from family life if the wife and children stay there and he is the only one moving out?

An exploration of interests in Collaborative Divorce or Divorce Mediation can offer the opportunity to reach solutions that meet everyone’s interests.