Who is a good candidate for Divorce Mediation?

When I receive a phone call about divorce mediation, I am often asked whether the caller is a good candidate for mediation. The conversation often leads to a description of the conflict the couple is experiencing that is the reason for their divorce. How, I am asked, can we mediate when we are not able to have a civil conversation?
It is a misconception that divorcing couples need to be able to communicate well to use divorce mediation successfully. The majority of couples who divorce have strained communication when they begin mediation. That does not rule out a successful divorce mediation process.
More important than the ability for the divorcing couple to communicate with each other are certain other qualities each of them should have:
• The ability to be aware of and articulate their needs and goals for the divorce process.
• A degree of empathy for their spouse’s situation.
• The patience to truly and actively listen while their spouse speaks.
• The willingness to ask questions and not jump to conclusions about how the divorce process will end.
• The understanding of, and acceptance that, the divorce mediator will facilitate conversations between the divorcing couple, but not make decisions for them.
The vast majority of couples who begin divorce mediation are successful. The rewards of a non-adversarial divorce are substantial and worth the effort.

 

Mediation and Collaborative Divorce to Manage Conflict in Divorce

divorce mediation

Many people will turn to a divorce lawyer before talking to their spouse about divorce because they are concerned about preserving their rights. Often the other spouse learns about the divorce by receiving legal papers from the divorce lawyer beginning the divorce action. The other spouse, having been blindsided, engages his own divorce lawyer to respond to the action. Communication between the parties is over. From here on in, the divorce lawyers do the talking. Each party talks to his or her lawyer, who then communicates with the other lawyer. Like in a game of “Telephone” each communication is likely to be slightly distorted or misrepresented. The fear, anger and blame escalate, and the parties are further alienated from each other. It is important to note that the level of conflict between parents is the single most important factor in how children will fare in divorce. Let me be clear: More important than whether children remain in their home, the asset division, the support arrangement or even the parenting schedule, the most important thing you can do to help your children come through the divorce process whole is to keep the level of animosity between the parents to a minimum.
There is another way to divorce. You and your spouse can maintain control of the divorce process and untangle your lives in a thoughtful, respectful manner.

Divorce Mediation and Collaborative Divorce Reduce the Level of Animosity

No divorce will be free of conflict. The goal is not to avoid conflict altogether; that is an unreachable goal for all but the most unusual couple. The aim is to manage the conflict and work through it thoughtfully and respectfully. There are ways to deal with the conflict of divorce productively.

Divorce Mediation

In divorce mediation, you and your spouse will meet with the neutral divorce mediator to talk about what the divorce will look like. Each spouse will have an opportunity to examine his or her goals for the process. These include financial and emotional goals for themselves and the children. The divorce mediator will facilitate these conversations and help each spouse articulate his or her needs. Read more about divorce mediation. http://vickivolper.com/divorce-mediation/

Collaborative Divorce

Some people would like to divorce amicably, but are, for one reason or another, uncomfortable sitting in the room with their spouse and the mediator without a divorce lawyer. Perhaps they find their spouse intimidating or are not at all familiar with financial matters and are unable to discuss them knowledgeably. For such people, collaborative divorce is a good option. In collaborative divorce, the couple sits at the table together, but each spouse has a divorce attorney in the room. Collaborative divorce is a respectful and thoughtful approach to dealing with the conflict of divorce. It has many of the same benefits of mediation, and also offers the comfort of having a divorce attorney at your side through the process. Read more about collaborative divorce. http://vickivolper.com/collaborative-divorce/

Vicki Volper, a mediator and collaborative divorce lawyer practices in Westport, Connecticut.

Call for a consultation (203) 222-1202

How to Work with your Collaborative Divorce Lawyer

 

Team

You have chosen to use Collaborative Divorce. You have taken the time to interview and select a Collaborative Divorce lawyer to represent you through the process. How can you work with your lawyer to get the most out of the process?

Share your goals for the process with your Collaborative Divorce lawyer

Each client is an individual. You have wishes and goals for your divorce that may be unique to you. A collaborative divorce lawyer hopes to help you meet those goals. Unlike some traditional divorce lawyers, Collaborative Divorce lawyers seek to help you meet your non-financial goals for your family as well as your financial goals. Only by thinking about and articulating your goals for your divorce can you hope to achieve them.

Be open and honest with your Collaborative Divorce lawyer

Your Collaborative Divorce lawyer will ask you to provide information about your assets, your liabilities, your income and your expenses. The Collaborative Divorce process does not use formal discovery methods to gather information. It is a transparent process and both parties must disclose all the relevant information voluntarily. Failure to do so in a timely manner will hinder the process and be counter-productive.

Provide your Collaborative Divorce lawyer with follow up

You will do most of your work in 4-way meetings with your attorney, your spouse and your spouse’s attorney. Be sure to provide your own attorney with follow-up on how you think the process is going. Collaborative Divorce is an organic process that you can mold to meet your needs. Is the information coming in too quickly for you to process? Is it moving too slowly for your comfort? Do you have questions about how the law applies to your situation? Schedule meetings or phone calls with your attorney as often as you need.

Ask your Collaborative Divorce lawyer about incorporating other team members

As part of the Collaborative Divorce process, you have access to other team members to facilitate the process. Perhaps you need more emotional support through the process or more financial clarity. Perhaps you have concerns about how your children are faring. Please read my post on how and when to use additional Collaborative Divorce team members: http://vickivolper.com/why-add-additional-members-to-your-collaborative-divorce-team/

Managing Debt in Divorce

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Make a List of Your Existing Debts

 

Often couples approaching divorce have individual or joint debts. Most people have home mortgages and/or home equity lines of credit. In addition, many couples have credit card debt, student loans and other liabilities. In the process of divorce mediation, the husband and wife must decide how to share their liabilities as well as their assets.

A good starting point is to obtain credit reports for each party

You need to supply your divorce lawyer with a complete list of your debts. While you might think you are aware of all of your outstanding liabilities, sometimes there are debts that you have forgotten about. You also might think a particular liability is in the name of only one party when in fact the other party is named on the debt as well. This often happens when one party obtains a credit card and the other party is an authorized user. Another concern is the possibility of errors on your credit report. This is all too common and it is better to rectify the situation as soon as possible.

You can get a free credit report by contacting one of the following agencies:

• Trans Union – www.tui/transunion.com
• Equifax – www.equifax.com
• Experian – www. Experian.com

After consulting your divorce attorney, cancel joint accounts

While parties contemplating divorce cannot unilaterally close bank accounts or credit cards, they can do so by agreement. While engaging in the divorce process, you should discuss whether it makes sense for you to begin to unwind your financial entanglement by creating separate bank accounts and credit card accounts. Consult with your divorce lawyer before making any changes to be sure you are not violating any court orders.

Sharing of Existing Debts

Generally, debts incurred during a marriage are legally joint liabilities to be shared, even if they are in the name of only one party. In a collaborative divorce process, however, parties may consider whether one or the other party should be solely liable for a particular debt regardless of who is legally the borrower. If a husband and wife conclude that one party should be responsible for a particular debt that is in joint name, they can try to get the creditor to release the other party from the liability. Speak to your divorce lawyer about whether this is an option. Creditors are hesitant to let one party off the hook for a debt. A better option would be to use available assets to pay off any joint debts or refinance them in the name of the responsible party alone. With the aid of your divorce attorney, you can take into account the need to pay off debts when you divide your assets. When these options are not feasible, a common solution is to give one party the obligation to pay a debt, and provide for such party to indemnify the other party against loss. It is not a perfect solution, but sometimes it is the only option available. Your divorce attorney can craft language that will protect the party with liability.

 

Divorce: Legal and Physical Custody

Hold hands

When contemplating divorce, parents are rightly concerned about the welfare of their children. One issue that often confuses divorcing parents is the definition of custody.

In Connecticut, there are two forms of custody: legal custody and physical, or residential custody.

Legal Custody of Children in Divorce

Legal custody refers to the decision-making power for the children.  A parent with legal custody makes decisions for the children about their health care, education, residence, religious upbringing and other major issues.  These are issues other than the day-to-day decisions about bedtime, nutrition, and other routine decisions of daily life with children.

In the vast majority of Connecticut divorces, parents will be granted joint legal custody. This means that they must consult with each other and reasonably agree as to how their children will be raised. They must make these decisions in consideration of what is in the best interests of the children, despite their own personal preferences.

Physical or Residential Custody of Children in Divorce

Physical custody refers to where the children will reside.  In many divorces, one parent will have primary physical custody and the other parent will have “visitation”.  The term visitation is used less frequently in recent years. More common is a schedule of “parenting time” for the non-custodial parent. The goal is for the children to feel that they have two homes-one with mom and one with dad.

Today it is common in many divorces to see shared parenting on a relatively equal basis, with neither parent having primary physical custody of the children. When both parents’ work schedules permit, this is a desirable alternative for many families.