Non-Adversarial Divorce – Out of the Mouths of Babes…

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Some of you may have seen this video on Facebook.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0oelgh3lemc

If you have not, please watch it. In this short video, a six year old child explains the essence of the work that I do.  Any parents who are considering divorce should be required to hear this wise young girl explain the importance of using divorce mediation or collaborative divorce to avoid the adversarial nature of traditional divorce.  Only in a non-adversarial divorce are the needs of the couple’s children put above all else in the list of priorities.

Please call me for a complimentary consultation if you would like more information about divorce mediation or collaborative divorce.

Protecting Children in Divorce

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If you have children and you are beginning the divorce process, you may be concerned about the effect of your divorce on your children. There are things that you can do to protect your children through your divorce.

Choose a non-adversarial divorce method

Choosing a non-adversarial divorce method, like divorce mediation or collaborative divorce, will go a long way to reducing the level of conflict between you and your spouse. Divorce mediators and collaborative divorce lawyers can help you manage your divorce with a minimum of acrimony. That in turn will reduce the negative consequences of your divorce on your children.

Create a well thought out parenting plan as part of your divorce process

A comprehensive parenting plan enables you to minimize post-divorce conflict by having clear rules about your parenting schedule. It also provides predictability for your children and enables them to more easily relax into their new living situation.

Avoid having children decide the parenting schedule

I am often asked by parents to write a very open-ended and flexible parenting plan. While you should always be flexible about your parenting schedule to accommodate the needs of your children, I discourage a parenting plan that is too loose, or gives children too much choice. While the wishes of older children should be respected, asking children to decide when they will be with each parent gives them too much responsibility and is burdensome.

Take care of yourself

Your children know you very well. They know if you are struggling. If you are, see a competent mental health professional. You will help your children as well as yourself.

Save Time & Money with a Non-Adversarial Divorce

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I recently recorded a brief video about divorce mediation and collaborative divorce. In this video, I talk about why I practice non-adversarial divorce, how non-adversarial methods help divorcing couples, and why it is important to me.

To find out more about how you can divorce in a manner that maintains your dignity, preserves your assets and protects your children. Call me at: 203-222-1202 to schedule a complimentary consultation.

The Structure Offered by Divorce Mediation

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So many issues to consider.

Getting divorced is stressful. There are so many unknowns. Where will I live? Will there be enough money for the things that are important to me? How will my children fare in the divorce process? How will I pay for health insurance? How will we afford to send the children to college? Will I be with  my children on Thanksgiving?

These are just a few of the many varied issues that swirl around in the mind of a person anticipating divorce. The prospect of tackling so many important issues can seem overwhelming. Divorce mediation provides a structure allowing couples to handle all of the issues of their divorce in a methodical, organized manner.

Divorce Mediation provides structure to the divorce process.

The structure of divorce mediation offers the opportunity to slow down and consider each issue thoughtfully. In place of a jumble of fears, divorce mediation creates a systematic plan for reaching rational and reasonable decisions.

Beginning with the first mediation session, the  divorce mediator will offer couples the opportunity to break the divorce process down into small, manageable steps.

  • First, a parenting plan will be created that permits each parent to remain connected to his or her children in a meaningful way. This involves a daily parenting schedule, as well as the sharing of holidays and vacations.
  • Second, assets and debts will be listed and evaluated. The divorce mediator then helps the couple decide how the assets and debts should be shared.
  • Third, the parties consider cash flow. Is there a need for spousal support? What should that look like? How long should it last? What about child support?

Along the way, the many details related to these issues are considered, including, health insurance, life insurance and college expenses.

Structure provides a sense of control.

While there is flexibility as to the order in which issues are discussed, there is an overall structure that is soothing to most couples. They see that the many overwhelming issues that need to be addressed will all be handled in time. The structure offered by divorce mediation allows many divorcing people to reduce the stress of divorce.  Reducing stress is always a good thing.

Mediation to Reduce the Stress of Divorce

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It is common wisdom that divorce is one of the more stressful experiences that a person will endure. Children are not immune to the effects of stress. When children hear their parents fighting, their anxieties will rise. Even without actually hearing parents fight, children often pick up on their parents’ anxieties and begin to worry themselves. Studies have shown that the single most important factor in how well children do when their parents divorce is the level of conflict between the parents.

Recent studies have increasingly shown the physical toll that stress can have on the human body. Stress triggers changes in our bodies and make us more likely to become ill. It can also make problems we already have worse. Stress has been linked to numerous physical ailments including headaches, heart problems, high blood pressure, asthma, eating disorders, and sleep disorders, among others. It only stands to reason that both adults and children are well served by reducing the stress of divorce.

While no divorce will be stress-free, there are steps you can take to reduce the stressfulness of divorce. Avoiding adversarial and confrontational approaches to divorce goes a long way to reducing the stress a divorcing family will experience. When parents can maintain their dignity through the divorce process, their children can continue to feel safe and secure in their parents’ love. Their natural resilience will allow them to adjust to the reality of their parents’ separation if the parents move forward without rancor.

Divorce Mediation and Collaborative Divorce are two non-adversarial options for divorcing couples. Couples divorcing through these methods need not get along well or be able to communicate. If a couple wishes to divorce amicably, regardless of their current level of communication, both the Divorce Mediation and Collaborative Divorce methods can create a space where they can settle their differences peacefully.

Vicki Discusses Mediation and Collaborative Divorce on Divorce Source Radio

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Nicole Feuer and Francine Baras of Start Over Smart Divorce Advisors recently interviewed me about mediation and collaborative divorce.

Click here to listen to the interview on Divorce Source Radio:  http://www.divorcesourceradio.com/mediation-peaceful-divorce/

The Right of First Refusal

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parent and child

When couples with children begin divorce mediation, we generally begin with a parenting plan. The parenting plan for divorced parents includes much more than where the children will live and how and where they will spend the holidays.
A much negotiated issue in divorce mediation is what’s called the right of first refusal. This refers to the option to care for the children when it is not your scheduled parenting time. For example, maybe it’s one of Dad’s night with the children, but Dad needs to attend a business dinner. He has the option of asking Mom if she is free to be with the kids, or arranging for a babysitter. If Mom has the right of first refusal, Dad must ask Mom if she is free before hiring a sitter. Mom is not obligated to care for the children, but she has the option.
Many divorcing parents favor the idea of a right of first refusal in their parenting plan because it maximizes a parent’s time with their children. Sometimes, however, if divorced parents are not amicable, the right of first refusal can cause conflict. There are several reasons why:

• Divorced parents want their privacy

A parent who will be unavailable at his or her scheduled parenting time may not want to disclose that to the other parent. It may feel like an invasion of privacy to inform the other parent of their whereabouts.

• Some children of divorce do better with consistency

Parents may feel that the children do better with strict compliance to the parenting schedule created in their mediated divorce agreement. It is upsetting for some children to shift gears when they expect to be at one parent’s home and have to relocate to the other parent’s home.

• Divorced parents may argue about whether the right of first refusal was honored

Often the divorce agreement will provide that the right of first refusal only comes into play if a parent is going to be unavailable for a certain minimum period of time – four hours, overnight, etc. Sometimes the unavailable parent only plans to be out for an hour, but gets stuck in traffic. The other parent might feel that right of first refusal was not respected and be angry about not having had the option to be with the children.

When created a parenting plan, give serious thought to whether to include a right of first refusal in your divorce agreement. The benefit of potentially having additional parenting time needs to be balanced with the conflicts that might be created. If you choose to include a right of first refusal in your parenting plan, try to make it as specific as possible to avoid future misunderstandings. The most important thing you can do for your children is to minimize conflict.

How Long will Divorce Mediation Take?

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Time

 

When couples are considering divorce mediation, they often ask me how long the process will take. It is a difficult question to answer when I have just met the divorcing couple. There are many variables that drive the divorce mediation process.

There is a 90-day waiting period to divorce in Connecticut

In the most straightforward cases, it is not uncommon for couples to complete the divorce mediation process before the expiration of the 90 day waiting period required by the State of Connecticut. Perhaps we meet for 3 or 4 sessions to gather information and make decisions. We will meet once again to review a draft separation agreement. We then meet shortly before the date of their divorce hearing to update the numbers on their financial affidavits and sign the documents.
A number of variables determine the time line for divorce mediation:

How complex are your finances?

Many divorcing couples have fairly simple financial pictures. Other people have more complex situations. For example, they may own a family business, have a home in foreclosure, or have an income that varies widely from year to year. In addition, there may be a need to consult outside experts to appraise real property, value a business or a pension, or get tax advice on structuring a settlement. Perhaps there are immigration or bankruptcy issues to consider. Each of these issues is likely to take some time to resolve.

Have you gathered your financial information?

The divorce process requires the collection of information about your assets, debts, income and expenses. If you have gotten organized and collected information before beginning divorce mediation, you will save time. For more information about the information you need to collect see: http://vickivolper.com/financial-information-to-collect-in-preparing-for-divorce/

Have issues been discussed before beginning the divorce mediation process?

Some couples have sat down together before even consulting with a divorce mediator and have come to tentative agreement on many issues. While we will revisit all of these decisions in divorce mediation, and perhaps revise them, couples who have discussed some issues are ahead of the game. Even if the couples’ decisions are revised, the process of talking about them and crystalizing issues can help the process move more quickly. Still, discussion of divorce issues outside of mediation is not always advisable. See: http://vickivolper.com/should-couples-negotiate-between-divorce-mediation-sessions/

How busy are you?

Sometimes well-intentioned couples delay the divorce mediation process for reasons beyond their control. Work and travel schedules may interfere with scheduling mediation sessions. When too much time elapses between sessions, the mediation process tends to lose momentum and slow down.

What is the level of emotion when divorce mediation begins?

Many couples begin divorce mediation after much consideration and discussion of divorce . Other times, one spouse is thrown into divorce unexpectedly. In the latter situation, it is understandable that it might take time for the second party to accept the idea of divorce before engaging effectively in the mediation process.

While there are variables that may make the process of divorce mediation take more time than you would hope, divorce mediation will be almost always be the quickest way to divorce. It is also the most efficient and cost effective divorce method.

Should Couples Negotiate between Divorce Mediation Sessions?

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couple arguing

Sometimes negotiation between spouses outside of divorce mediation sessions is a bad idea.

Everyone is anxious to move through the mediation process quickly. It is natural to want to get this interim period over with. It might also seem that negotiating outside of mediation will save some money. Yes and no, for several reasons: Mediation should be an orderly process. All of the requisite information should be gathered before decisions are made. When couples try to “put the cart before the horse” by deciding who will keep certain assets before valuing and considering all of the assets, an injustice might be done. Someone might be shortchanged. The decisions about asset division should also be considered together with support decisions, not in a vacuum.

Negotiations without a divorce mediator may be unfair.

Spouses often have different skill levels when it comes to financial issues. A savvier spouse might convince a less savvy spouse to accept a disadvantageous offer. Spouses also may have unequal bargaining power for emotional reasons. A mediator will be able to help level the playing field for more equitable negotiations. Legal information may be missing. There may be legal implications to the decisions you are making of which you may not be aware. Some decisions have significant tax consequences. Some decisions may be contrary to what typically happens in divorce in your jurisdiction. While you are free to disregard the information about how an issue would likely be decided in court, it is generally a good idea to have that information for consideration.

Hostilities might increase.

While some couples can discuss the issues raised in divorce mediation outside of session, other couples find themselves arguing and increasing the tensions at home. If you find that discussing your divorce at home makes home life unpleasant, save your conversations for the safe space of the mediation session.

Give it some thought.

If you can talk with your spouse about how things might be fairly decided, go ahead and have the conversation. If you do, try to consider these decisions tentative until you discuss them in your divorce mediation. Be open to reconsidering issues based upon new information the mediator may provide. If your conversations become heated, or feel threatening, save them for mediation. Be patient. The money saved by potentially shortening the divorce mediation process may not be worth it

Divorce Mediation and the Marital Residence

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house

For many couples, their home is their most significant asset. For that reason, negotiations over the disposition of the couple’s home often play a significant role in divorce mediation. Following are some of the key issues that a couple engaged in divorce mediation might need to consider:

After the Divorce – To Sell the Home or Keep It

The question of whether to keep the marital home after divorce hinges on a number of factors. On the emotional side, couples may not want to have to relocate their children. The adjustment to the divorce may be all that the children can handle. Adding a move might seem too much of a change in the children’s lives. Obviously, very young children would be less affected by this move than older children who have friends in the neighborhood and attachments to the physical surroundings.
Unfortunately, many couples do not have the luxury of keeping one parent in the home with the children even when they would like to do so. Many couples, after evaluating their finances, find that they need to access the equity in the home in order to afford two residences. That assumes, of course, that there is equity in the home. Many couples entering divorce mediation find themselves in the unfortunate situation of having debt on their home that exceeds its value. In that case, couples often decide to hold onto the house until that market picks up and increases the home’s value.

The Expense of the Home after Divorce until Sale

Divorce mediation sometimes results in the decision that one of the parties will stay in the house for a period of time after the divorce. Sometimes until the market turns around, other times until the children graduate from high school. Regardless of the reason, the couple must make a number of decisions about how to finance the home until it is sold. Usually the party who will live in the home will pay the day-to-day expenses of the home such as the mortgage, real estate taxes, insurance and utility bills. Alimony and child support often help to meet these expenses. Larger expenses, such as major repairs or capital improvements are often shared by the parties in some fashion since such expenditures help maintain the value of the home which is a jointly owned asset until it is sold.

After Divorce – Protecting your Asset

If the parties decide in divorce mediation that one party will remain in the home and pay the mortgage until a division of proceeds on a sale date down the road, the party not living in the home may be concerned about making sure the mortgage is paid to protect his or her investment. Sometimes the parties will agree that the party residing in the home will provide proof that the mortgage is paid—either monthly or only upon request. In addition, the non-resident party may have the option of paying the mortgage on behalf of the party living in the home, if he or she fails to do so. In that case the non-resident party may be reimbursed for such payments at the time of sale “off the top” before the division of sales proceeds. Alternatively, if the non-resident party has an obligation to pay alimony to the resident party, mortgage payments may be deductible from the alimony payments that come due.

Dividing the Proceeds of Sale in Divorce

While couples in divorce mediation most often decide to divide the proceeds from the sale of the house equally, that is not always the case. A number of factors might lead to an uneven division of the sale proceeds. For example, sometimes one of the parties provided a large sum as a down payment on the house. The parties may decide in divorce mediation that it is equitable for that party to be repaid before dividing the balance of the proceeds. Another consideration might be that the house was formerly owned by the family of one party. In other cases, one party may opt to take the full value of the house in exchange for the other party retaining other assets of equal value. In that case it is important that the party keeping the house does not become “house poor” because of a lack of liquid assets. It is important not to let an emotional attachment to the idea of keeping the house override good financial judgment.
In conclusion, there are many issues surrounding the marital home that need to be decided by a divorcing couple. Hopefully, through divorce mediation, the couple will make well thought out decisions that will serve them well in their futures.