Couples Who Divorce in Fairfield County Benefit from Divorce Mediation or Collaborative Divorce

A typical high income Fairfield County resident who is considering divorce needs to consider the divorce laws of Connecticut and their impact upon the unique issues facing the wealthy. While a divorce in Fairfield County must follow Connecticut State Law, the manner in which you choose to divorce can greatly affect the outcome within the state’s legal parameters. It pays to be aware of the options available to you and to choose wisely. The method you choose can have a large impact on the cost of your divorce and the ultimate outcome.

The Impact of No Fault Divorce in Fairfield County

Connecticut is a “no fault” divorce state, but that does not mean that fault is never considered. It means that it is possible to file for a divorce based on the irretrievable breakdown of the marriage without alleging the fault of one spouse or the other. If however, you choose the traditional two-lawyer method of divorce in Connecticut, and if the case is litigated, the fault of the parties is one factor that a judge may consider in both the division of the couple’s assets and the awarding of alimony. This is a powerful reason for many couples to choose a non-adversarial divorce method such as collaborative divorce or divorce mediation in Fairfield County.

The conventional wisdom is that couples with large assets and high incomes should take the traditional, adversarial route to divorce. The thinking is that when there is so much to gain or lose, it is necessary to have a zealous advocate protecting your interests. On the contrary, where the stakes are high, couples have an increased incentive to choose a non-adversarial method which allows the couple’s own sense of fairness, and not a judge’s conception of fault, to be the primary factor in deciding financial issues. When the divorcing couple earns just enough to get by day to day, the judge has less flexibility because both parties need to be left with enough to survive. Where there is more than enough money to go around, as in most Fairfield County divorces, fault may more readily be used by a judge to punish the offending party and skew the results.

The Increased Need for Privacy in Divorce in Fairfield County

Even where fault does not directly influence the financial outcome of a divorce, both parties stand to lose if the monied spouse risks the public exposure of his or her bad behavior. The typical executive going through a divorce in Fairfield County may have a high profile position or business that cannot withstand the airing of dirty laundry. Both parties (and the children) lose if the primary income earner ‘s livelihood is compromised by the divorce process. In collaborative divorce and divorce mediation there are no court hearings other than the one perfunctory uncontested dissolution hearing at the end of negotiations. Personal misdeeds are not discussed in open court and do not become public record. The fear of such exposure need not come into play in negotiations.

Equitable Distribution in the Fairfield County Divorce

Asset division in Connecticut is based upon the principal of equitable distribution. Many people who divorce in Fairfield County have substantial assets. How they are divided is often quite contentious. In some states, there is a presumption that assets received by a spouse through inheritance or gift from family members are to be retained by that spouse in divorce. A party anticipating a divorce in Connecticut needs to be aware that all of the couple’s assets can be subject to distribution in the divorce proceedings, regardless of their source. For that reason, in a typical Fairfield County divorce, a party may benefit from the use of collaborative divorce or divorce mediation, where the parties’ own sense of the equity of distributing such assets is primary. As with the issue of fault, in collaborative divorce or divorce mediation, the couple can allow their own values to determine the outcome instead of relying on legal presumptions. For example, in an adversarial divorce, one party’s attorney might “go after” the other spouse’s inheritance, even if the parties have always treated such inheritance as the personal property of the inheriting spouse. In collaborative divorce or divorce mediation, the result is more likely to respect the couple’s intent.

In addition to the above, many couples choose divorce mediation in Fairfield County for the cost savings. Even a typical high earning Fairfield County resident, who can afford high priced lawyers, would like to minimize divorce costs. Only the most acrimonious couple would prefer to give their money to their lawyers rather than their children. It is easy to understand how divorce mediation is economical. First of all, fees are usually billed on an hourly basis and usually no retainer is required. Collaborative divorce, even though it involves the use of two lawyers (and other divorce professionals in the case of the team method of collaborative divorce) and usually requires a retainer, is significantly less costly than an adversarial divorce for several reasons.

First, in both collaborative divorce and divorce mediation, negotiations take place face to face with both spouses and either the mediator or the two attorneys present. This avoids the time and money-wasting “telephone tag” that often occurs in the adversarial divorce. It also avoids the costly misunderstandings inherent in hearing a spouse’s thoughts as interpreted first through his lawyer and then through yours. There can be no “spin” put on communications that are face to face. The negotiations in collaborative divorce and divorce mediation focus on efficient and effective problem solving rather than on fighting and blame.

Second, by using collaborative divorce or divorce mediation, a couple completely avoids the filing of motions and the related court appearances. If you have ever waited with your attorney in court for your motion to be heard, you have heard the clock ticking and seen your legal bills growing by the minute. To add insult to injury, you are losing valuable time when you could be earning money to pay for these mounting legal fees.

In conclusion, despite popular wisdom, the couple who is anticipating divorce in Fairfield County would be well served by considering a non-adversarial method such as collaborative divorce or divorce mediation.

Attorney Vicki Volper, a Westport family lawyer, has extensive experience working with high net worth couples in both divorce mediation and collaborative divorce.

Qualities Needed for Success in Divorce Mediation

 

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Are you a good candidate for Divorce Mediation?

When I receive a phone call about divorce mediation, I am often asked whether the caller is a good candidate for mediation. The conversation often leads to a description of the conflict the couple is experiencing that is the immediate reason for their divorce. How, I am asked, can we mediate when we are not able to have a civil conversation?
It is a misconception that divorcing couples need to be able to communicate well to use divorce mediation successfully. The majority of couples who divorce have strained communication when they begin mediation. That does not rule out a successful divorce mediation process. It is my job as the divorce mediator to help the couple reach consensus despite their communication issues.

Who can be successful in Divorce Mediation?

More important than the ability for the divorcing couple to communicate with each other are certain other qualities each of them should have:

  • The ability to be aware of and articulate their needs and goals for the divorce process.
  • A degree of empathy for their spouse’s situation.
  • The patience to actively listen while their spouse speaks.
  • The willingness to ask questions and not jump to conclusions about how the divorce process will end.
  • The understanding and acceptance that the divorce mediator will facilitate conversations between the divorcing couple, but not make  decisions for them.

The vast majority of couples who begin divorce mediation are successful if they are committed to the process. The rewards of a non-adversarial divorce are substantial and worth the effort.

What is the Role of a Divorce Lawyer in the Divorce Mediation Process?

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When working with a couple in divorce mediation, I strongly encourage, and sometimes insist, that each party hire a divorce attorney to act as review counsel. Often one or both parties will question the need for review counsel. Why, I am asked, if you are a divorce lawyer, do I need to hire another divorce lawyer as review counsel?

Your Divorce Mediator Will Not Give You Legal Advice

Your divorce mediator will help you and your spouse have fruitful conversations about how to resolve the issues of your divorce. These include both financial issues, such as asset division and support, as well as family issues, such as the weekly and holiday parenting schedules. You will have the opportunity to craft solutions that best meet the needs of each member of your family.
During the negotiations, your divorce mediator will give you general information about the divorce laws and how the law might affect your situation. Your mediator will not, however, give you legal advice. That is because a mediator must remain impartial. Your mediator will provide only general legal information, and will not discuss the law as seen from your individual perspective.

Hiring a Divorce Lawyer as Review Counsel Makes Sense

Hiring a divorce lawyer as review counsel will provide you with information your mediator cannot provide for you. He or she will review your divorce agreement and explain the significance of each provision in a way you can understand. Often a conversation with your review counsel can help flesh out the implications of a decision you have made. In addition, your review counsel can tell you whether the agreements you have reached are typical or unusual. You might also learn whether you are likely to have reached the same decisions if you had not used divorce mediation. Your divorce agreement will probably have implications for your life for years to come. The opinion of review counsel is a wise investment.

Select the Right Divorce Lawyer as your Review Counsel

It is important to choose the right divorce lawyer as review counsel. Your divorce mediator should be able to provide you with a list of divorce lawyers to choose from. If you opt to use a divorce lawyer not on the mediator’s list, consider whether such person has the qualities of a good review counsel.

• Is the divorce lawyer “mediation-friendly”?

The best review counsel are often mediators themselves. If they are not, they should at a minimum, be knowledgeable about and respectful of the mediation process. A divorce lawyer acting as review counsel should understand that you are committed to the mediation process. You should be able to trust that your review counsel has your best interests at heart and is not looking to push you into an adversarial mode to drum up legal fees. He or she should offer you information without trying to change your mind about the decisions you have reached in mediation. That being said, if a mediation-friendly review counsel advises that your agreement is very far from the norm, pay attention.

• Is your review counsel knowledgeable about the divorce laws of your state?

It is important to have review counsel whose practice is dedicated to the field of family law in your state. Family law decisions are based upon the facts of each specific case. Only a lawyer who is familiar with the local divorce statutes and case law can advise you properly about the wisdom of the decisions you have reached.

• Does your divorce lawyer have a good reputation in the community?

It goes without saying that a personal referral from someone you trust is valuable. Be sure to ask around about a divorce attorney before hiring one. You should look for someone who has a reputation for integrity as well as knowledge and experience. You should also ask whether a divorce attorney is pleasant to work with. Is the attorney available or hard to reach? Do they return phone calls within a reasonable time? Do they ask for a retainer or bill as you go? How many hours do they expect to spend reviewing your mediation agreement?

Sometimes you may want to consult a divorce lawyer during the process of divorce mediation

In divorce mediation you will be encouraged to consider your own values in making decisions before considering the law. What do you think is fair under all of the circumstances? Your mediator will help you examine and articulate your values and your goals for mediation. Each decision you reach will hopefully foster your goals and be in line with your expressed values. Sometimes, however, you may be unclear about whether your agreement makes sense for you and your family. Perhaps you are not familiar with financial issues and are concerned about making the wrong decisions. This can create anxiety and make you feel insecure about the mediation process. It is reasonable, in such cases, to hire an attorney to “coach” you through the divorce process.
In choosing your coaching counsel, apply the same factors you would use in choosing review counsel. Inform any attorney you consult that you are in mediation and plan to stay in mediation. Incorporate your lawyer’s advice as needed, but try not to get stuck in any position that your lawyer recommends. The beauty of the divorce mediation process is the ability to avoid “one size fits all” solutions.

Who is a good candidate for Divorce Mediation?

When I receive a phone call about divorce mediation, I am often asked whether the caller is a good candidate for mediation. The conversation often leads to a description of the conflict the couple is experiencing that is the reason for their divorce. How, I am asked, can we mediate when we are not able to have a civil conversation?
It is a misconception that divorcing couples need to be able to communicate well to use divorce mediation successfully. The majority of couples who divorce have strained communication when they begin mediation. That does not rule out a successful divorce mediation process.
More important than the ability for the divorcing couple to communicate with each other are certain other qualities each of them should have:
• The ability to be aware of and articulate their needs and goals for the divorce process.
• A degree of empathy for their spouse’s situation.
• The patience to truly and actively listen while their spouse speaks.
• The willingness to ask questions and not jump to conclusions about how the divorce process will end.
• The understanding of, and acceptance that, the divorce mediator will facilitate conversations between the divorcing couple, but not make decisions for them.
The vast majority of couples who begin divorce mediation are successful. The rewards of a non-adversarial divorce are substantial and worth the effort.

 

Mediation and Collaborative Divorce to Manage Conflict in Divorce

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Many people will turn to a divorce lawyer before talking to their spouse about divorce because they are concerned about preserving their rights. Often the other spouse learns about the divorce by receiving legal papers from the divorce lawyer beginning the divorce action. The other spouse, having been blindsided, engages his own divorce lawyer to respond to the action. Communication between the parties is over. From here on in, the divorce lawyers do the talking. Each party talks to his or her lawyer, who then communicates with the other lawyer. Like in a game of “Telephone” each communication is likely to be slightly distorted or misrepresented. The fear, anger and blame escalate, and the parties are further alienated from each other. It is important to note that the level of conflict between parents is the single most important factor in how children will fare in divorce. Let me be clear: More important than whether children remain in their home, the asset division, the support arrangement or even the parenting schedule, the most important thing you can do to help your children come through the divorce process whole is to keep the level of animosity between the parents to a minimum.
There is another way to divorce. You and your spouse can maintain control of the divorce process and untangle your lives in a thoughtful, respectful manner.

Divorce Mediation and Collaborative Divorce Reduce the Level of Animosity

No divorce will be free of conflict. The goal is not to avoid conflict altogether; that is an unreachable goal for all but the most unusual couple. The aim is to manage the conflict and work through it thoughtfully and respectfully. There are ways to deal with the conflict of divorce productively.

Divorce Mediation

In divorce mediation, you and your spouse will meet with the neutral divorce mediator to talk about what the divorce will look like. Each spouse will have an opportunity to examine his or her goals for the process. These include financial and emotional goals for themselves and the children. The divorce mediator will facilitate these conversations and help each spouse articulate his or her needs. Read more about divorce mediation. http://vickivolper.com/divorce-mediation/

Collaborative Divorce

Some people would like to divorce amicably, but are, for one reason or another, uncomfortable sitting in the room with their spouse and the mediator without a divorce lawyer. Perhaps they find their spouse intimidating or are not at all familiar with financial matters and are unable to discuss them knowledgeably. For such people, collaborative divorce is a good option. In collaborative divorce, the couple sits at the table together, but each spouse has a divorce attorney in the room. Collaborative divorce is a respectful and thoughtful approach to dealing with the conflict of divorce. It has many of the same benefits of mediation, and also offers the comfort of having a divorce attorney at your side through the process. Read more about collaborative divorce. http://vickivolper.com/collaborative-divorce/

Vicki Volper, a mediator and collaborative divorce lawyer practices in Westport, Connecticut.

Call for a consultation (203) 222-1202

How to Work with your Collaborative Divorce Lawyer

 

Team

You have chosen to use Collaborative Divorce. You have taken the time to interview and select a Collaborative Divorce lawyer to represent you through the process. How can you work with your lawyer to get the most out of the process?

Share your goals for the process with your Collaborative Divorce lawyer

Each client is an individual. You have wishes and goals for your divorce that may be unique to you. A collaborative divorce lawyer hopes to help you meet those goals. Unlike some traditional divorce lawyers, Collaborative Divorce lawyers seek to help you meet your non-financial goals for your family as well as your financial goals. Only by thinking about and articulating your goals for your divorce can you hope to achieve them.

Be open and honest with your Collaborative Divorce lawyer

Your Collaborative Divorce lawyer will ask you to provide information about your assets, your liabilities, your income and your expenses. The Collaborative Divorce process does not use formal discovery methods to gather information. It is a transparent process and both parties must disclose all the relevant information voluntarily. Failure to do so in a timely manner will hinder the process and be counter-productive.

Provide your Collaborative Divorce lawyer with follow up

You will do most of your work in 4-way meetings with your attorney, your spouse and your spouse’s attorney. Be sure to provide your own attorney with follow-up on how you think the process is going. Collaborative Divorce is an organic process that you can mold to meet your needs. Is the information coming in too quickly for you to process? Is it moving too slowly for your comfort? Do you have questions about how the law applies to your situation? Schedule meetings or phone calls with your attorney as often as you need.

Ask your Collaborative Divorce lawyer about incorporating other team members

As part of the Collaborative Divorce process, you have access to other team members to facilitate the process. Perhaps you need more emotional support through the process or more financial clarity. Perhaps you have concerns about how your children are faring. Please read my post on how and when to use additional Collaborative Divorce team members: http://vickivolper.com/why-add-additional-members-to-your-collaborative-divorce-team/

Managing Debt in Divorce

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Make a List of Your Existing Debts

 

Often couples approaching divorce have individual or joint debts. Most people have home mortgages and/or home equity lines of credit. In addition, many couples have credit card debt, student loans and other liabilities. In the process of divorce mediation, the husband and wife must decide how to share their liabilities as well as their assets.

A good starting point is to obtain credit reports for each party

You need to supply your divorce lawyer with a complete list of your debts. While you might think you are aware of all of your outstanding liabilities, sometimes there are debts that you have forgotten about. You also might think a particular liability is in the name of only one party when in fact the other party is named on the debt as well. This often happens when one party obtains a credit card and the other party is an authorized user. Another concern is the possibility of errors on your credit report. This is all too common and it is better to rectify the situation as soon as possible.

You can get a free credit report by contacting one of the following agencies:

• Trans Union – www.tui/transunion.com
• Equifax – www.equifax.com
• Experian – www. Experian.com

After consulting your divorce attorney, cancel joint accounts

While parties contemplating divorce cannot unilaterally close bank accounts or credit cards, they can do so by agreement. While engaging in the divorce process, you should discuss whether it makes sense for you to begin to unwind your financial entanglement by creating separate bank accounts and credit card accounts. Consult with your divorce lawyer before making any changes to be sure you are not violating any court orders.

Sharing of Existing Debts

Generally, debts incurred during a marriage are legally joint liabilities to be shared, even if they are in the name of only one party. In a collaborative divorce process, however, parties may consider whether one or the other party should be solely liable for a particular debt regardless of who is legally the borrower. If a husband and wife conclude that one party should be responsible for a particular debt that is in joint name, they can try to get the creditor to release the other party from the liability. Speak to your divorce lawyer about whether this is an option. Creditors are hesitant to let one party off the hook for a debt. A better option would be to use available assets to pay off any joint debts or refinance them in the name of the responsible party alone. With the aid of your divorce attorney, you can take into account the need to pay off debts when you divide your assets. When these options are not feasible, a common solution is to give one party the obligation to pay a debt, and provide for such party to indemnify the other party against loss. It is not a perfect solution, but sometimes it is the only option available. Your divorce attorney can craft language that will protect the party with liability.

 

Divorce: Legal and Physical Custody

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When contemplating divorce, parents are rightly concerned about the welfare of their children. One issue that often confuses divorcing parents is the definition of custody.

In Connecticut, there are two forms of custody: legal custody and physical, or residential custody.

Legal Custody of Children in Divorce

Legal custody refers to the decision-making power for the children.  A parent with legal custody makes decisions for the children about their health care, education, residence, religious upbringing and other major issues.  These are issues other than the day-to-day decisions about bedtime, nutrition, and other routine decisions of daily life with children.

In the vast majority of Connecticut divorces, parents will be granted joint legal custody. This means that they must consult with each other and reasonably agree as to how their children will be raised. They must make these decisions in consideration of what is in the best interests of the children, despite their own personal preferences.

Physical or Residential Custody of Children in Divorce

Physical custody refers to where the children will reside.  In many divorces, one parent will have primary physical custody and the other parent will have “visitation”.  The term visitation is used less frequently in recent years. More common is a schedule of “parenting time” for the non-custodial parent. The goal is for the children to feel that they have two homes-one with mom and one with dad.

Today it is common in many divorces to see shared parenting on a relatively equal basis, with neither parent having primary physical custody of the children. When both parents’ work schedules permit, this is a desirable alternative for many families.

Marital and Divorce Mediation

Marital and Divorce Mediation

Marital Mediation is an option for couples that may be considering divorce mediation. Sometimes either one or both of the parties considering divorce mediation would prefer to preserve the marriage. Marital mediation is different from divorce mediation and couples counseling, and can be a useful tool for couples who wish to avoid divorce.

What is marital mediation?

Marital mediation is a process similar to divorce mediation in that a neutral third party mediator helps the couple make decisions together. Unlike divorce mediation, however, the goal is to preserve the marriage, rather than to end it. The mediator helps the couple acknowledge their desire to maintain their marriage and works to lessen the conflicts endangering the marriage and hopefully avoid divorce.

Who is a candidate for marital mediation?

Any couple seeking improved communication can benefit from marital mediation. Generally couples with discreet issues creating conflict, such as varying styles of handling finances or childrearing can use marital mediation most effectively.
How does marital mediation compare with couples counseling? Unlike couples counseling, marital mediation is mostly about making behavioral changes to improve the marriage, rather than creating internal changes in the parties through improved self awareness. While there is often some overlap between the two processes, marital mediation is usually more forward looking than couples counseling.

How does marital mediation work?

Marital mediation begins by having the parties identify the issues that are causing problems between them. Sometimes the parties are clear about the issues involved, and other times there is a general dissatisfaction that needs to be discussed to discern the problems involved.

Once the issues have been identified, each party is asked to express what he or she wants to accomplish through marital mediation.

  • Discussions between the parties and the mediator can result in an increased openness to hearing each other’s opinions, even when they disagree with them.
  • Parties’ communication skills can improve as they develop the tools needed to negotiate with each other in the future.What is the result of marital mediation?

Oftentimes parties will come away with a written agreement setting forth behavioral changes each party will make to improve their relationship. Sometimes the agreement provides for consequences for failure to comply with the agreement. In other cases, the parties do not actually put their agreements on paper, but come away with a mutual understanding that will hopefully help them avoid divorce mediation in the future. The process of marital mediation, which creates improved communication, is sometimes more important than the resulting agreement

Interests vs. Positions

There is an anecdotal story about the two children who each wanted the one orange left in the kitchen. 

Their mother did not know what to do.  Did one child deserve the orange more than the other? Should she cut the orange in two?

Upon further questioning, the mother learned that one child wanted the pulp of the orange for juice. The other child wanted the rind of the orange for a science project. The solution to the problem was simple.

Each child took the position that they wanted an orange. Each child’s true interest in the orange was different.

One child’s interest was in the pulp. The other child’s interest was in the rind.

The processes of Collaborative Divorce and Divorce Mediation seek to resolve a couple’s conflicts by helping them identify their true interests, as opposed to their positions, in negotiations.

For example, a mother of young children who is going through a divorce might be adamant about remaining in the marital home.  The husband would like to sell the home because it is their only significant asset. This appears to be an intractable problem.  He insists on selling the home.  She insists on keeping the home. What can they do?

As your collaborative divorce attorney, or as your mediator, I will encourage you to get in touch with and articulate your interests.  Only after we identify your underlying goals for your divorce can we begin to negotiate in a manner that will meet your goals.

In the above situation, it would be important to understand the parties’ interests. 

Why does the wife want to keep the home?  Is it for continuity for her children? Is it for the value of the investment? Is it because she has spent a lot of time improving the home?

Why does the husband want to sell the home? Does he need cash for a new investment? Does he need to pay off debts? Does he fear being excluded from family life if the wife and children stay there and he is the only one moving out?

An exploration of interests in Collaborative Divorce or Divorce Mediation can offer the opportunity to reach solutions that meet everyone’s interests.